#152 – FINDING MY CENTER

#152- FINDING MY CENTER

Good Morning!

Today I woke up at the crack of dawn to paint in silence before my kids woke up.

I wanted to finish as early as possible, so as to not take up their day.

I choose what I am going to paint every day based on my energy.  Some days it is very serious – like a formal still life.  Some days it’s quite loopy – like yesterday’s post and some days I just want to feel color.

Color is 100% where it is at for me and most days I feel like I can’t get enough.  When I’m really having one of those days, I choose an abstract so I can play with wet, juicy, pure unadulterated color.

I have begun to notice that most of my abstracts have an orb of some sort somewhere in the painting. Funny, subconsciously it was the first thing I put on my paper this morning. That is just how I start I guess.

I started with a circle and then without any thoughts (which is really hard to do-try clearing your mind of thoughts!) I select and put down color based on FEELING.  One stroke connects to another stroke and I keep moving and blending colors based on how they make me feel.  So in a sense it is a subconscious painting.  What I find amazing, is what my subconscious produces.

What I see in my painting, or what I feel in this painting is that I am the center.  I am that little orb.  Center meaning –what is my core, my soul, my spirit?   The little old me within me.

What I find amazing, is I consistently do the same thing.  Check out Post#16

#16 -Holey Moley Sunset

and Post # 18

#18 -Ominous Looking Seapod

Do you notice there is an orb and generally a half circle.

OK. Take a look at today’s again:

#152- FINDING MY CENTER

This painting really brought it home for me. The half circle is a wave.  It represents, my life, my journey, the external circumstances that make up my everyday.  I always feel like life is sweeping me up and carrying me along for the ride, but I haven’t really felt like I’ve ever had control over it.  Waves are like that, you go with the flow or they hit you like a ton of bricks.  Notice the wave surrounds 3/4 of my quote on quote “soul”.

Now the top right is a jumble and it’s a little dark.  I felt that when I did that section.  It sort of represents my thoughts and sometimes the feelings I get from those thoughts.  Dark, insecure, comparative, small, indecisive, almost like I just don’t know what to do.

That is what clouds my soul.  I remember clearly the first time my soul felt angst.  I was in kindergarten.  I was assigned to go home and decide what I wanted to be when I grew up.   I remember clear as day sitting in my grandmother’s living room with she and my mom as they ran off all different professions or careers I could have.  I was sobbing.  No adult could understand what the heck I was crying about.  I believe my mom finally got to the point where she told me something like, “this is a kindergarten play, don’t sweat it, you can change your mind, it’s just a play….”

I never felt that way.  I came on this earth with an extreme intensity to “find myself” and it is the one thing that has eluded me.  I have done many things and I am capable of many things, yet no thing that I have ever done has ever felt like home.

So I kept wandering, moving from medium to medium, always in the art field, but never settled.

In that there lies my angst.  I can feel it as I write these words.

#152- FINDING MY CENTER

But if you look to the right, there is a little glimpse of a red nirvana.  An energy ball of hope.  If I make it through the cloud of my own angst, I will get home.

Home for me is peace. Home for me is knowing myself.  100% confidence in who I am as a human being.  To have the little orb that is small and inward become large and outward.

This abstract is about my life journey.  My path. All of my abstracts thus far have shared this element.

This 365 is really bringing out a lot in me.  I can look back on last month and really see a funk. A depression.  Now the depression has lifted thank God, but in forcing myself to create and TO WRITE ABOUT it, all sorts of thoughts and feelings and questions come up.  Mostly about insecurity.  Mostly about facing the world and putting myself out there.

Posting to the world is one way to confront that fear.  It has really pushed me out of my comfort zone (in a way, it is also quite safe because really it is just me and my keyboard!). But, when you hit publish, IT is out there.  No backsys.

It’s invigorating.

So I think I have very clearly identified my journey, yet I still don’t feel like I’ve accomplished my task.

Maybe I will never feel like I know what I am externally.

At some point I may have to surrender and be content as the wanderer.

Wanderer is tough. I always feel guilt about my contribution in AMERICAN SOCIETY towards my household.  The indoctrination of “earning ones keep”…..

I guess I will have to do a couple of subconscious paintings on that whole can of worms!

Time to let this all go and enjoy my kids.

Until tomorrow!

http://www.becreativemary.com

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